When I was a kid, I had to learn of a Chinese poet who was sent to work in far away from his family, and described his sense of longing(思念), and feeling comfort that they were all looking at the same moon at night. I had no concept of such an emotion at that time. Now I do. Still a pretty weird thing to teach to 10 year-olds though.
Winter is almost upon us, and as I was lying cozily in bed under the warm glow of a light bar I bought from home, I was suddenly very homesick, which made me reflect on why I'm homesick. What experiences do I really miss? This year, for the first year in my life, I've spent more time living in Canada than in Hong Kong, with my family. I've learned a lot about myself(another post coming soon), and the experiences I value.
Here's what I miss, in no particular order:
- Conversations around the dinner table - my sister always had funny things to say, drama from school to share. It did not feel so warm and valuable at the time, but looking back it feels warm and its really a time to be treasured
- Dad would say 'mean' things to mom, and me and my sister would teach her internet slang. So much laughter.
- I would have loved to nerd out over coffee with my Dad, since I've been watching coffee videos recently. Of a timelime that never existed.
- Although helping everyone with their technical issues was annoying, it was still nice.
- All of it. I miss the human experiences we had together, watching stuff together, deciding what to eat, all of that, however rare. Everything is to be treasured, but don't get caught up in doing so.
Although it seems like a short list, I can never put down how I feel and true sense of warmth and home I feel looking back at these memories. There's so many more experiences I'm not recalling buried deep in my subconsciousness contributing to this feeling of longing.
Am I feeling regretful? No. This is just an acknowledgment that this is what I missed, and that's the way life is. I do wish I spent more of time living those experiences. I'm grateful I feel this sense of longing at all. You really do only learn to miss something once it's gone.
Reflecting on those experiences, I can't help but think of the fact that people of love I love will die one day. Maybe I'll look back at these experiences just the same way, however many more times intense. I'm not looking forward to finding out.
As I grow up, I will only experiences less and less of these experiences, especially so if I settle down in another country, which is quite likely. It's so sad, but here's to treasuring these 'ordinary' experiences even more.